Donor Conception
Deciding to use donor conception as a method of conceiving involves many decisions and implications. These implications may affect yourself, your partner, family and most importantly any child donor conceived. Undergoing any form of fertility treatment or assisted conception can be extremely stressful, but if you are using donor sperm or donor eggs then there are many more decisions to come to terms with.
Before you begin on your donor conception journey, you will need to consider your feelings and how you will cope at the present time and in the future.
Is donor conception the right choice for you
As you are reading this you will have probably be in a position where you have to seriously consider donor conception as your only method or conception, this may be due to being in a same-sex relationship, being single or having infertility problems which require donor sperm or donor eggs. It is hard to accept that you are not able to have a child with the person that you love, or that that will be genetically related to the both of you. Women who have decided to go it alone may also experience a sense of loss, as they let go of their hopes of having a baby with a partner.
If you have arrived at this stage due to many years of fertility tests or treatments then you may feel a sense of responsibility or failure. It may have caused a strain on your relationship or alternatively you may feel stronger as a couple for going through it together.
Even though donor conception be seem the only option, it may be hard to come to terms with the idea of using someone else’s genetic material to conceive. You and your partner, if you have one, may feel differently about the realities of using donor sperm or donor eggs to conceive. One of you may be less comfortable than the other with the idea of conceiving and raising a child with whom you have only a part, or no, genetic connection. Even when it is their only option to conceive a child, the whole process may seem very daunting.
It is really important to be able to talk through how you feel with your partner or someone close to you can really help. Some of your fears and worries will be common to others who have been in your situation, and it may be good to experience your concerns and question through forum, whereby people who are going through or have been through the same experience, can share their feelings. The Donor Conception Network is a website and a network of parents with children conceived by donor insemination who can offer you information and their support to help you through the difficult journey of donor conception.
Thinking of the future and telling your child
When choosing donor conception, one of the most important decisions is whether you wish to find a known donor through a connection service such as Pride Angel or whether you wish to use an unknown donor through a fertility clinic. Either way, the decision will have implications on how and what you tell your child about being donor conceived as they grow up and in the future. It is important to have given consideration in advance as to who you’re going to tell about your decision - including family, friends and strangers - and how you are going to tell them is also essential.
The most important person will, of course, be your child. How will you respond to the inevitable questions from them about where they came from? Research has shown that being open right from the start can often be the best approach, as this will ensure that being donor-conceived becomes part of your child's history, and feels like a normal part of their life as they grow up this way, if there are any comments or questions from other family members or friends, your child will know how to respond.
The Donor Conception Network provides useful information on "telling and talking" and has personal accounts from parents with older children about how they told their children about their origins.
If you are receiving fertility treatment through a clinic, you should be also be offered counselling (if you haven’t been already) from someone independent of the treatment process. This is to help you think through the physical and psychological impact of donor conception for you, your partner and your family, making sure that the decision is right you all of those concerned.
Your child's right to information about their donor
The anonymity law changed in 2005 to now allow your child access to their donor's identity when they reach adulthood. They can apply to the HFEA (Human Fertilisation & Embryology Authority) for information about their donor when they reach the age of 18, or earlier if they are getting married or starting a family of their own. (This is so the HFEA can check that they are not genetically related to their partner).
There are two types of information held on the HFEA register of donors (for donors who registered or re-registered from April 2005) which a donor-conceived adult can find out:
• Non-identifying information, such as the donor’s physical appearance, ethnic group and how many children they already had.
• Identifying information, such as the donor’s name, date of birth, and last known address.
For a list of all the information that can be held on the register visit the HFEA donor’s area
Sometimes donor-conceived adults are not interested in finding out about their donor, while others will want to know as much as they can. You will need to be prepared for either scenario and to support your child through their choice.
The Donor Conception Network has personal accounts of how parents have coped with teenage donor-conceived children.